With the season finale of Torchwood's second series just days away, fan attention is quickly turning to the as-yet unannounced third season - which is said to be vastly different from these first two years. But let's not get into that again... Here's a juicy rumour I heard a couple of months back that has now been confirmed by one of this site's most accurate sources, "I Want to Believe":
"It's official - Elisabeth Sladen will be appearing in the next series of Torchwood! Yep, the star of The Sarah Jane Adventures is heading to adult television land for the first time, and from what I hear, it's a very... erm... 'juicy' role, too! It's a long story... basically she hooks up with Jack, in a very literal sense, in the next series of Doctor Who - and he invites her back to his Torchwood Cardiff Hub!!"
"Elisabeth and John are just so fantastic together! From the moment they met on set and their characters snog outside the TARDIS, show bosses knew that these characters were DESTINED to be together... They're both so commited to making this relationship work - it's time Jack turned a new leaf, and Sarah too! We all know what she got up to with Harry Sullivan back in the day... Sex & Sarah-Jane? BBC bosses are angry that the writing team didn't see the possibilities there before. "
Of course, the original intention was for Freema Agyeman to join the show at some point next series, but that appearence seems to have been thrown right out of the window now:
"Freema is a fantastic young actress... a rising star... but sometimes, ya know, a show just needs a hot, single, middle aged MILF to stir things up. Sarah Jane/Elisabeth Sladen fits the bill perfectly - though, around Jack, nobody is single for long!!"
So, what exactly will Sladen bring to the show - except MILF status?
"Well, her and Gwen have their fallings out. They get up one another's noses - literally. One episode sees the pair reduced in size, and shot up one another's naval passages. There's no real narrative reason for the show to explore human noses - only, the writing team are rapidly running out of taboos to break. It's [s]not going to be pretty!"
The final word?
"Immortality + menopause = 51st century lovin'! Hooray for Torchwood!!!"
"I Want to Believe" reported this story last April 1st.
Happy April Fool's, folks.