Monday, January 15, 2007

Coping With Withdrawal #1

Can't wait for your favourite series to return? Already suffering from Torchwood withdrawal symptons? Then Torchwood.TV is here to help! On a regular basis we'll publish a guide on how to cope with your withdrawal - and ensure that the wait until October 2007 goes by as fast as possible!
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This week we explore the strange and wonderful world of John Barrowman's "Shark Attack 3" - and give you the very best reasons why this DVD should be top of your 'most wanted' list!
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"SHARK ATTACK 3"
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I saw this particular flick a couple of years ago on the British Sci-Fi Channel. At the time it was late at night, I was tired and probably wasn't paying as much attention as I should have been (but hey, this is "Shark Attack 3"; a vast attention span is hardly needed!).
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Skip forward a number of years and whilst reading this very site Kurly posts about the film; something I had vague recollections about seeing. Desperate to see the film again, I looked on ebay everyday until it eventually resurfaced. When it did, I pounced!
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So, one Friday night with little else on television other than Ugly Betty or Celebrity Big Brother I decided to give the film a second chance, and stuck the DVD in. Here's my guide to what I found - but be warned, it contains more shark than you could ever have possible asked for!
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1: John Barrowman
Lets face it; he's the only reason why any of us actively want to watch "Shark Attack 3" - and he's not a disapointment. Fans will recogonise John's now legendary "cheesy grin" and will adore just how lovable John's character manages to be throughout - even when he does utter that famous line!
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2: Sharks (and they're big!!!)
The "Megaladon" shark in question is possibly the biggest shark ever commited to the silver screen; and the least convincing too. Watch as it gobbles up people and ships whole - but still, it's no match for John Barrowman!
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3: Man, the acting is bad...
John is good. The rest are bad. 'Nuff said.
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4: No plot (Or at least, not one with much sense!)
It's like the writers watched every single shark film they could possibly find - from "Jaws" to "Deep Blue Sea"; and chose to ignore everything that makes them good. There's a thinly disguised plot about a major electrical cable under the sea water, but even that's practically ignored to make way for 'yet more shark attacks!'. Oh dear.
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Still, I doubt the producers ever looked on the "Shark Attack" films as potential Oscar winners, did they?
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5: John Barrowman takes a porn-lite shower!!!
At one point we see John Barrowman and Jenny McShane shower naked together; kissing in such a seductive manner that it resembles a cheap, pathetic sort of porn film. Five bucks to anyone who guesses what was going through the director's mind...
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Hell, just listen to the damn music is any other proof is needed!
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Fangirls, if you've always dreamt of a shower with John, this may well be the scene that makes your head explode with excitement!
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And there you go; my mini-guide to "Shark Attack 3" - possibly the dumbest, most cheesy and silly film on the planet. No wonder why I loved every second of it!
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You can pick the film up from most highstreet stores across the UK for around £2.99 - or in a "Creature Comforts" boxset (with the two other "Shark Attack" films) for around a tenner. Go on Woodies, just for John Barrowman alone it's worth every penny!
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