Sunday, January 07, 2007

The Torchwood Archives #1

Each and every Sunday, Torchwood.TV delves into the history of the Torchwood Institute - revealling secrets you never knew before. Folks, "The Torchwood Archives" have been opened...

The following article was recently released from the Torchwood Archives due to the Freedom of Information Act 2004. Some details have been removed for the protection of the British public.

Mr. Benjamin Disraeli,
The court of Queen Victoria recently found itself under attack on all sides during a recent visit to Torchwood House, Scotland. We can only praise God that her Majesty escaped unharmed from the incident (save for, strangely, a small bite on the fore of her arm). However, the Queen has taken it upon herself to evaluate home security, and her Majesty feels that current British law enforcements are not enough to protect the interests of the British public, and she demands immediate change.

Parliament is to draft together a new law over the next month, outlawing any "foreign devils". This term does not in any way mean the banning of foreigners in the British Empire, but refers to other kinds of 'visitors' - ones from beyond the sky, and perhaps the heavens too. The Empire will, effectively immediately, strive to destroy such threats. For such a task, we are going to need an organisation to fight the good fight, and her Majesty, in all of her cunning, has pre-planned ahead.

We called the organisation "Torchwood". The place will, of course, be based around the British isles, in hiding from the Britsh public. The Queen feels that the "alien" threat is real, and that the Enemy could already be amonst us, disguised as one of us too. Therefore, Torchwood must only be disclosed on a need-to-know basis, to minimalise the rise of exposure.

The Royal Family will donate a small percentage of their wealth to pay for Torchwood, but as usual, it will be the British public that will eventually pay for the agency (for it is they we must protect) through so called taxations.

The Royal House will keep you informed, Mister Prime Minister, on the Queen's plans, but until further updates are reached, we ask that you keep all information to yourself. We simply cannot risk a leak of information (the Queen herself worries that aliens may well already exist in Parliament, disguised as humans, but Prince Edward has assured his mother that such talk is nonsense, for he should know, as he spends most of his time on the streets of London near to Parliament anyway).

And one last thing. The Queen has outlined a charter, of escaped enemies of Torchwood, beings banished from the British Isles forever. Of particular interest on this list is one "Doctor of Tardis". Her Majesty has specific orders for his evasion if located again. A full description of the man has already been sent via telegraph to London.

I wish you the best of luck with the task at hand,
Lord Harry Blaine,
Royal Corospondence,
The Palace

Further updates on Torchwood will follow every Sunday. Until then, good luck, and remember Torchwood's core values:

"If it's Alien, it's Ours"


Anonymous said...

This piece was previously posted online last July - but the entire series fizzled out soon afterwards. Now it's back - bigger and better than ever. If you've got some suggestions on what could appear in the Archives soon, then leave them here. Next week, learn what happened when Sarah Jane Smith investigated Torchwood London!

Paul S said...

Umm... Did you actually write this or did you find it?

Anonymous said...

LOL, "the Britsh piblic." Who the hell wrote this crap?

Anonymous said...

The English must be pissed that they pay for such an amateur group of special ops.

Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding like a constitutional history bore, I think the piece misunderstands the notion of Royal Charter, the creation of which is an exercise of the Royal Prerogative (possibly on the advice of the Privy Council). It's the method by which cities, many companies, charities and professional bodies, some police forces, some parts of the armed forces, etc, are/have been established; and as such, it would literally be the very foundation of the Torchwood Institute itself, and not merely a document in which the Queen has jotted down a few instructions.

Moreover, it should be noted that the Institute was founded in 1879, by which time Disraeli had been elevated to the House of Lords. Thus, he would have been addressed as the Earl of Beaconsfield or Lord Disraeli (or similar) -- no Mister he.

Camera Obscura said...

And of course all this "Queen Victoria banning the Doctor of Tardis" begs the question of how he was allowed to hang out with UNIT all those years.

I shan't stoop to typing VR's tag-line, but it hangs in the air...